Foodgasmic
by tha-artemisrox
Summary: ZADR older!Dib, Zim has a new training device, but what will happen when it malfunctions? Sucky summary!
1. Bohemian Rhapsoda

Disclaimer: if you don't realize that Jhonen Vasquez and Nickelodeon own Invader Zim then shall zampire kitties rain upon you in a shower of terror!

This fic was written for the lovely and deliciously mad ladies in the ZADR chat room, I guaranteed to them I'd have the first chapter up, and gosh dang it I will! shakes fist

Warning now: ZADR and slight food kink, yeah you heard me!

* * *

Every member of the Foodcourtian lower classes receives semi annual updates, this was also true for Zim who the intergalactic postal service always seemed to find when Sizzlorr could not.

And so he would occasionally receive digital newsletters on the latest deals and various equipment updates, the latest of which was a new training device that was to be compulsory for all members of Sloogork's Flavor monster and its affiliates.

What was yet to be discovered was a system flaw in the device that would cause malfunctions and random combustion, but neither Zim nor the workers of Foodcourtia would discover this problem until it was too late.

Our story really begins on a not so pleasant day in that unnamed host city of Zim's home base; a bizarre cartoonish house with creepy lawn gnomes, when the package crash landed in the middle of the living room wrapped in a metal protective sphere.

"GIR! STOP PLAYING PIGGY-BALL IN THE HOUSE!!"

And so enters Zim.

"But I wanna pig-BAAAAAAAAWL!"

GIR, not far behind, rolls in with a flurry of robotic limbs and rubber pig-ball, lord knows what lengths he went to acquire it.

It was about this point that Zim noticed the package sphere in the middle of a smoking crater.

"What is this?"

_"It, uh, looks like a package for you."_ The computer spoke up.

"Can I eet it? Pleaseohpleaseohplease?"

"No GIR," Zim picked it up "Only I can- ARGH! IT BURNS!" he flung the heated sphere at the wall causing it to crack open and the content's so spill out.

"Ooh shiny!" he ran over to the yet to be assembled device in glee.

"What is it?"

_"It seems to be the parts of a training device for-"_

Zim interrupted the computer, "Ah! The tallest must have sent it to aid me in my mission! But why did they not send a weapon of doom? So much doom I need!"

He picked up the manual and with a few quick movements from his pak it was assembled and ready to be attached.

The device was about the size of a rubix cube and had a large purple light with a symbol of a mouth licking it's lips on it.

Once the device was attached to Zim's pak the computer informed him that it required a 30 hour hibernation cycle to set up the system.

"Very well, I will be in the human sleepy room if anyone comes!" He had turned to exit when GIR tugged on the hem of his uniform, wearing a sleeping cap and hugging the rubber pig-ball to his side.

"Can I have a nap too?"

"No GIR, you need to guard the base while I'm asleep." Zim tugged in vain to get loose from the robot's grip.

"But I like naps, I likes it a lot!" the little blue eyed robot's grip tightened on the pig ball causing it to squeak in protest.

"No GIR!"

"But I want ta nap toooOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

Thankfully Zim gave in and flung GIR, mid-tantrum, into the bedroom where the tiny robot promptly fell asleep.

Zim could do nothing but follow in kind.

* * *

Exactly 30 hours later the device beeped twice and sent a small electric pulse through it's host body and a wake up call.

This probably wouldn't be that bad if Zim hadn't been lying in a puddle of robot drool that caused the small shock to be, well, not quite so small.

"NNNGAAAARH!" he leaped up and attempted to run but ended up slipping on the wet sheets and falling head first into a bedpost.

"ooog my head!" he moan in pain and looked down at GIR who was still curled up at his feet with that stupid pig-ball in his mouth.

GIR would later wake up in the toilet.

But before Zim could do anything else his pak reminded him of the program.

"Very well, onto the training!"

The instructions lead him to the replica of an earth kitchen and told him to make breakfast.

"But I'm not hungr-" Several volts flowed through his small frame in argument.

"AGH! It stings like bees! WHY THE BEES!"

And so began a painful morning of training.

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Excuse the briefness but that was just the intro!

Read and review!


	2. Shut up and Fries

Well there we go! Second chapter!

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Dib was sulking in the living room as usual, however his head was blocking the TV so of course his surly sister demanded an explanation.

"Why are you HERE!"

It was all Dib could do not to throw his arms in the air in frustration.

"I don't know! I try to work to wards the greater good and everyone thinks I'm crazy!"

He spun on his sister gesturing madly "Do you know what's happening tomorrow!?"

"You'll finally shut up?"

"That's right! I'm turning nineteen! And do you know who's gonna come say happy birthday? No one! Except Keef which is really weird cause I never told him when my birthday was…" He shook his head in exasperation.

"Maybe if you weren't so stupid people wouldn't hate you!" Gaz leaned sideways around Dib to see the television.

"Oh and I'll be lucky if I actually get anything! The only person who gives me stuff anymore is creepy old Aunt Ethel and she sends me a card saying 'happy 10th birthday' every two months with a coupon for Bloaty's pizza hog in it!"

He flung open the hallway cupboard to allow a flood of coupons to fall out around their feet.

Gaz glared at him. "You better clean that up before dad gets home!"

Dib could only sigh "Yeah, yeah…" he began upon the task of stuffing the coupons back in the cupboard when he turned to his sister in contemplation.

Ever since the Game slave portable and the new Pii console came out, what little communication he had with his sister had minimized.

"You don't even care do you."

His sister picked up the small lamp in the likeness of their father, "Dib, you have fifteen seconds to shut up or leave before I make you suffer."

"But-"

She growled "Ten- nine!"

"Okay, okay! I'm going! Geeze!" he hurriedly backed out the door, grabbing his coat on the way.

As his frightened jogging started to fall into casual strides he wondered what he could do to fill in the hours between now and when his dad would get home.

"I know! I'll go flick meaty-chunks at Zim! That's always fun!" he declared to no one in particular.

Normally he would go mess with Zim, they would argue, which would escalate into a small fight, which would result in both of them being tired so they would sit on Zim's couch till GIR did something or Dib had to go, it wasn't exactly normal but it was becoming a weekend tradition.

What he hadn't expected was to find Zim lying in the middle of the kitchen area in a gurgling pile of pain.

"Zim?" Dib nudged him lightly with the toe of hid boot, he didn't expect him to has foiled his own plans so early.

Unbeknownst to Dib the device had scanned his form and, upon discovering his height, registered him as a superior.

"uuuurgnh.." Zim gurgled in protest "not the Deeeeeeeb." Another small shock was sent through him causing him to jerk upright and Dib to jump backward in surprise.

"oh, you're okay then, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"None of your business, Dib-stink!" The device was shocked at how he could be rude to someone taller than him and immediately remedied the situation by zapping him one more.

"BEESBEESARRRGH!" Dib raided an eyebrow at Zim's response.

"Okay, what's going on, normally your ranting is a little more coherent than this."

Zim growled in frustration for a minute before replying "I have a high tech, top class, training program that will help me defeat this puny planet, but-" He hesitated for a moment. "it keeps telling me to make breakfast…"

Dib laughed.

And then he laughed some more.

And the he stopped laughing until he saw the pile of pancakes behind Zim that was currently being devoured by GIR which set him off laughing again, a small buzzing from the device warned Zim of the consequences of interrupting.

Finally Dib calmed himself down, "Ahah! MAN that's funny! So Zim, how exactly are you gonna take over earth with your amazing COOKING skills? Give everyone food poisoning?"

"I'll have you know everything I make is of the highest quality Dib-stNNNnnngh!" The device informed him of how to address a being of superior height, "Taller Dib."

Dib blinked "Wh-what did you just call me?"

Zim's tiny hands curled into fists "I am required to address you as such as a part of the program…. Stinky-STOOPID program!"

The program apparently had no qualms with be insulted since Zim remained unshockified.

Dib was now interested "What else does that thing do, besides shock you which is REALLY fun to watch!"

As Zim counted off the various duties the device would make him do Dib started to realize the advantage he now had.

"So If I told you to make me cereal-" Suddenly Zim was being Zapped over and over till he quickly grabbed some milk and a box of Membrane-Os and made what could be the quickest bowl of cereal ever presenting it to Dib with slices of strawberries and bananas on top.

As Zim stood there panting slightly Dib slowly took up a spoonful of the cereal and tasted it.

Flavor exploded on his tongue as he slowly savored the taste of the cereal, not too crisp, not to soggy and the sliced fruit was fresh, it was the best cereal ever.

A silly smile spread across his face as a bit of milk dribbled down towards his chin, if this was just cereal what else could Zim do?

The pak zeroed in on the drop of milk on Dib's face and urged Zim into action.

Grudgingly Zim reached up with a gloved hand and wiped the milk away slowly, shocking Dib out of his stupor.

"What are you-"

"I'm NOT." Zim growled between his teeth.

"Oh right, the training thingy!" Dib wasn't sure if he was supposed to feel relied or disappointed.

Suddenly an idea came to him and a wicked smile slid across his face.

"Say Zim, you probably shouldn't be working in your normal uniform…"

Zim's antenna rose in confusion "I shouldn't?"

Then he noticed Dib's smile and his eyes narrowed in suspicion "What are you up to Dib-mons" ZAP "Dib human." This name was apparently acceptable since a second shock did not follow.

"Now why would you think I'm up to something Zim? I just thought that a uniform more fitting to your duties might be better, like maybe a maid uniform?" He grinned at the indignant look on Zim's green face.

"I will not-GAAH! BEESBEESSTINGING AHH!" he ran around in a small circle before falling to the ground.

Dib leaned over to him in triumph. "So I'll just ask GIR to go buy your new uniform Hmm?"

Zim could only grumble in response.

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Read and review y'all! 


	3. this is why I'm hot sauce

A/N: Woo! Here's the next crazy chapter! Starts to get good here!

* * *

When Gir returned he came bearing an Icy peanut Slushy and a brown paper bag

When Gir returned he came bearing an Icy peanut Slushy and a brown paper bag.

"III GOTS EET!"

Zim was currently cleaning up the Kitchen while Dib watched TV, he turned to look at Gir from his spot on the couch.

"Nice work Gir!"

"I found it under your bed thingy, is frilleh!"

Zim looked down from where he was scrubbing chunks of food off the ceiling. "Why do you even have a maid uniform?"

Dib clutched at the bag nervously, his voice cracking slightly. "Research!"

"… Research?"

"Y-yeah!"

"Oh I see… No wait I don't!"

Dib looked at Zim for a bit before flinging the bag at him.

"Just go put this on!"

The paper bag hit Zim in the head, making him flail for a bit before finally getting a good grip on the bag and walking of, grumbling a bit about 'big head' and 'stoopid'.

* * *

The next time Dib saw Zim he couldn't help but do a double take.

Like with his human disguise there were the contacts and the wig but rather then the pointy male wig a short bob with a small scythe adorned his green head.

Dib had not expected the maid uniform that he had already seen a few times look so good on Zim's slim frame.

The dress was a fairly simple black with white cuffs at the shoulder, the frills giving the skirt a bell like shape beneath the apron to compensate for the lack of hips.

Zim's shoulders were bare, a black ribbon was tied neatly around his neck and the zip at the back had to be split to allow the pak room.

Dib realised he was staring when Zim started tapping his foot, black Mary Janes with white socks that reach just above his knees.

"Nice gloves"

Yes, gloves, that's what he was looking at, gloves are safe.

Zim tugged on the cuff of one of the disgustingly frilly gloves. "Whatever Dib… Taller. Just tell me what to do."

Dib grinned. "So I can really make you do any thing I want huh?"

The device on his back buzzed, reminding Zim to answer and soon.

"Yes…. Anything your giant head desires."

"My head's not that big!"

Zim's left eye twitched slightly as he repressed the urge to contradict him.

"Whatever you say, Dib Taller."

A small smile spread across Dib's face and he lent back on the couch slyly.

"Zim… Come here for a moment."

Zim stepped over towards the couch cautiously, not trusting the Dib despite the device's encouragements, but even when he was standing right at his feet Dib gestured for him to come closer until Zim was kneeling on the couch with his knees on either side of Dib's hips.

Dib leaned forward, one hand tugging on the hem of the skirt absentmindedly the other nudging Zim's wig to the side so he could whisper in a low voice.

"Zim.."

"Yesssss?" Zim hissed slightly, he wanted so much to pull back but the device softly buzzed on his back, raising his discomfort and lowering his possibility of disobeying Dib.

"I want you-" Dib's fingers wound into Zim's wig absentmindedly. "to make me-"

He ran his other hand slowly up till it was where Zim's hip would be. "a Burger."

He promptly pushed Zim by his shoulder backwards onto the floor where he lay, wig askew, legs akimbo and extremely confused.

However the pak chose that moment to send several volts through Zim till he got up and ran screaming into the kitchen.

Dib sighed, leaning back on the couch and propping his feet on Gir's head, oh yes; this would be fun.

* * *

After labouring in the kitchen, flattening meat into a circle, cutting the tomatoes and so on, Zim managed to produce a large, tasty looking burger, burning his skin several times in the process with the meat, water and even the microwave…somehow.

He quickly placed the hot burger on a fancy tray and took it into where Dib was sitting.

Dib couldn't help but straiten up at the smell when Zim brought him the burger, it plucked it from the plate quickly.

"Thanks for the burger Zim!" then as he took his first bite the hairs on Dib's neck all stood up as the flavour exploded in his mouth.

He let out a low "Mmmm." and licked a stray bit of sauce off his lips.

He chewed slowly and swallowed the mouthful, sighing and slumping slightly in his spot.

"WHY" He had a goofy smile on his face as he spoke "Are you so good at this?"

"Just eat the burger Dib-stink-AURGHH!!"

Zim dropped the tray in pain, letting it clatter on the floor, a look of concern came across Dib's face for a moment.

"Hey Zim?"

"What!" Zim glared up at him from his current kneeling position on the floor where he had been picking up the tray.

"My hands are busy with this burger, clean my face for me."

Zim's hand curled into a fist, that Dib, he would get his once the training period was over and the device dropped off.

However the device instructed Zim to do something he wasn't exactly happy with, but it wasn't like he had much choice in the matter.

Slowly Zim turned and placed both gloved claws on Dib's knees, Dib jumped slightly at the contact and remained frozen in his place as Zim slowly pushed himself upward, bringing his green face closer towards Dib's, mouth open slightly, Dib's eyes widened as a thin snakelike tongue slid out of Zim's mouth and licked the crumbs slowly off his face leaving a wet trail behind it before withdrawing quickly into Zim's green lip less mouth.

The sat there for a moment then Zim silently moved back, picked up the tray, and bowed before returning to the kitchen.

Dib sat there, face clean, cheeks red and thinking 'he could have just used a napkin.'

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(giggles insanely) Read and Review peoples!


	4. Meat escape

A/N: Please excuse any choppy-ness with this chapter I really wasn't sure what to do here…

* * *

After calling up Gaz to tell her he would be spending the night, and probably his birthday, at Zim's house Dib took over the TV, occasionally setting Zim odd jobs like cleaning and basically amusing him.

Of course watching the reruns, sitcoms, game shows and talk show that made up the mindless daytime TV schedule for several hours, sucks the energy out of a guy like some sort of bulging parasitic growth, and Mysterious Mysteries was always in the late time slot.

So Dib ended up snoozing on the couch, Gir clinging to his head.

It didn't take long for Zim to stumble upon Dib's sleeping form but before he could take advantage of that fact the device on his Pak set him more practice in the kitchen for the next few hours.

* * *

Dib awoke the next morning to the smell of bacon wafting in from the kitchen, his head was still feeling clogged and sluggish from the uncomfortable night on the couch but his stomach grumbled in protest of having missed dinner and refused to be ignored.

After scratching the spot where Gir had clung to his head a little too tightly, Dib followed his nose to the kitchen where Zim stood, still in his maid uniform, trying to stay as far away from the frying pan of sizzling bacon and wearing large rubber gloves and goggles for protection from the meatyness.

Dib reached out and in a daze ending up slumping slightly on Zim's back, face buried in his wig and mumbling about food.

"So you are awake Taller-Dib…" Zim's eyes narrowed behind the goggles, "the hooman nose is stronger than I thought."

"Mmrgg," Dib rubbed his left eye sleepily "You're making bacon for breakfast?"

Zim raised his spatula high "Yeees, and you will eat it and it will be deleecious for you human belly!"

He gestured to a pot that was sharing the stove "I also made eggs."

Dib let out a yawn, withdrawing his arms from where they had unconsciously been fiddling with Zim's apron, and wandered off to the bathroom to go do his stuff.

"Just you wait Dib," Zim tipped the grease into Gir's awaiting mouth. "just a few more weeks and then." Zim's evil chuckle grew into an all out malicious laugh which was cut short by the device zapping him in a 'get moving' sort of way.

* * *

When Dib exited the bathroom, hair dripping and muttering things like "never again", he saw the kitchen table set with what looked like a fairly hearty breakfast, though he wouldn't admit it, Dib was impressed.

So Dib sat down and started with some cereal, turning red at the memory of the last time he ate some of Zim's cereal, and after eating some toast and washing it down with orange juice he felt pretty full.

Then Zim came in, the gloves and goggles gone, and just stood there watching Dib who squirmed under his scrutiny.

"W-what is it Zim."

"Aren't you going to finish your breakfast, oh taller Dib?" a forced smile grew upon Zim's face.

Dib picked at the table cloth "Well, it was really, REALLY yummy, and I would love to eat more but I'm kinda full." He laughed nervously.

Zim's scary forced smile disappeared but Dib was not any more relived.

"But the bacon and eggs," Zim marched up next to Dib "are you telling me the skin burny was for nothing?"

He had turned the chair Dib was sitting in to face him and placed his hands on the backing on either side of Dib's head.

"Uuuh…" Dib flinched at their proximity. "Maybe?"

Zim pulled out a fork from somewhere under his wig, stabbed it into a piece of the crispy bacon on the table and held it up to Dib.

"Eat it."

Dib's eyes widened. "I-"

"I said eeeeat iiiiit!" He reached forward and held Dib's chin between his three fingers and attempted to open his moth but dib grabbed his wrist in response.

"No!"

The device on Zim's pak whirred telling him that the food must be devoured by any means necessary and if the consumer does not finish then a punishment would be in store for Zim.

"You will eat my delicious food," Zim moved his hand from Dib's chin to grab his scythe

"and you" he yanked Dib's head back and raised himself up onto the chair effectively pinning Dib. "will LOVE it."

But Zim had forgotten about Dib's other hand until it came up and tried to pull his hand out of Dibs hair.

Their struggling caused Zim to loose his balance and fall backwards, dragging Dib down with him and Dib clinging to the table cloth and unintentionally causing the contents of the table to clatter down around them.

Zim ended up on his back with his wig lying a short distance away and Dib forced down on top of him held in place by his scythe and bits of the breakfast sticking too his face and what seemed to be milk dripping from his shirt.

Zim sighed in relief as the device informed him that soiled food can be disposed of.

Then Dib's ragged breathing caught his attention and he realised that a cleaning was in order.

"Get off." Dib scrambled upright but before he could stand Zim had wrapped his hands into Dib's shirt and slowly licked the mess of Dib's face.

Dib could only close his eyes as the skilled tongue fan across his face, sliding over the corners of his suddenly dry mouth and slipping around behind his ear, causing him to shiver as it glided down his neck.

Then, suddenly, it was gone, he could feel Zim's breath on his neck and felt like his skin was burning under it.

"There are clean clothes in the spare room."

Dib took this as his cue to exit and stumbled off of Zim as quickly as possible.

So far, one of the strangest birthdays he had ever had, and that was only the morning.

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There we go! Next chapter Keef will make an appearance!

Read and review! Suggestions would be greatly appreciated!


	5. Deleeshus filler

Sorry for the the lack of chapters... I have some boring life related stuff happening so have some unrealated filler!

It's better than nothing! :B

* * *

Dib didn't think about it when he sheltered the smaller green body from the rain with his coat, he ignored the gloved hands clinging to his shirt as the walked down towards the base.

He pretended not to be surprised when he was allowed inside, he focused on keeping the tiny alien from getting wet from the drops sliding off his coat, he did, however, notice how close they were; Zim's awful wig askew from the trip.

He knew he didn't mind the proximity when he leaned in for a kiss and the water dripping from his hair stung the green skin of the smaller of the two.

He allowed himself a smile as the alien responded with a clicking noise at the back of his throat, things had gotten harder so he was glad for these moments of escape.

Dib let Zim push him into the wall and even threw in a small "Mmph!" when his hands were pined by the spider legs, let Zim have his moments of power if it meant that dib could get the sensations the skilful tongue was currently giving him.


	6. Littleless 16candles littlemore Icecream

A/N: I would just like to mention that while writing this chapter I had the urge to put in a Keef Gaz pairing, however like the urge I had to tell a minivan of old people that I wanted to "catch a lift on their sweet ride" It could have ended badly and was avoided.

Once again I apologize for the lack of updates!

* * *

Keef jogged happily down the street, it was Dib's birthday and he was gonna give him a card with a 25 Barriers bookshop gift voucher in it.

After all; any friend of Zim's was a friend of Keef's and since he started mixing Zim up with a squirrel the other kids he usually sat with stopped hanging out with him for a while.

He rang the doorbell of the membrane household, leaving his finger on the buzzer until a disgruntled purple haired girl answered the door; her handheld console flashing GAME PAUSED across the screen.

"What do **you** want?"

"Hiya! Ooh you must be Gaz right? Hey is that a GSP? That awesome! I wanted one but my mum says videogames rot your brain and make teens go crazy, do you like racing car games? I love racing car games! What sort of games do you have on there?" the whole time he spoke Gaz could feel a headache forming.

"Did you want something or did you just come here to be stupid."

Keef fiddled nervously with his baby blue t-shirt, the rainbow on the front faded from years of wear giving it a second hand store feel despite the fact that he had gotten it a few years back during the retro-geek trend from a chain store for a ridiculous price.

"Well I- I came to wish Dib a happy birthday."

"He's not here." He stopped and stared at her for a moment, eyes wide; disappointed. She went to close the door on him but he stopped it with a lanky arm.

"Can you tell me when he'll be back then?" anyone who had dealt with Gaz would have told Keef to flee while he still had legs, She let out a low growl.

"He slept over at Zim's house." She then slammed the door in his face.

Keef stood there for a bit before regaining his energy.

"She seemed nice!" He stoped and wondered aloud for a moment "I wonder if Dib was over at Zim's house because it was his birthday…" he perked up suddenly "SLEEPOVER PARTEE!"

* * *

Dib had gone through a closet filled with several different sizes of Irken-esque clothing; lots of pink and purples and stripes and rings, he was disturbed by how much some of the outfits reminded him of his dad's high-skool yearbook.

Soon he had slipped into a blue, striped, long sleeved shirt; opting to keep his slightly stained jeans over the alternative; black tights. If he came home like that Gaz would never let him live it down.

He scratched at the skin that peeked out of the hole intended for the pak on the back of the long garment, walking back into the main room.

Zim had a cake, a very large cake.

And he was currently covering it in icing.

A double take could be excused.

"H-how did you manage to bake so fast!?"

Zim's eyes narrowed behind the bangs of his wig "You do not want to know Dib human…"

Suddenly; Gir flew our of nowhere and attached himself to Dib's head "Big-heeeeeeeeead! Today is your birthdae! So we can has Deeleeshus caek!"

Dib spent the time prying Gir off to decipher what had just been exclaimed.

"Uh yeah it is my birthday actually… Wow!" He looked at the monstrous baked pastry, covered in an off pink icing. "Thanks guys, this is- I mean I know it's the control thingy, but still…"

Zim would have continued squeezing little swirly shapes out of the squeezy tube if it weren't for Dib's words; his thanks had activated a piece of programming on the device, specifically the payment procedures.

Zim listened to the device going through the requirements.

Payment must be equal to meal, tips equal to service, if unable to pay then they either work it off or the authorities would be called, place of business will decide what form of currency would be appropriate and customers could be held indefinitely until the payment was made.

However; since Dib was technically in a house that didn't belong to him, the payment instructions were vague.

Now dear readers; please remember that the device was in a line of several others that malfunction, several foodcourtians could attest to that.

Zim was advised to try to receive the same amount of good feelings that had been given to Dib by his dining.

And as with most Irken technology; the goal was to be reached by any means necessary.

This could get messy.

* * *

Sorry for the shortness and the cliffy, but I had to chose between a longer chapter and an update!

Review anyway! title suggestions(song titles made to relate to food) or suggestions of any kind are welcome!

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	7. Dont let me eat me

Zim turned, a cruel smile playing on his lipless mouth.

"Diiiiib,"

Dib sucked some icing off the finger he had just ran along the side of the cake.

"Yeah Zim?" he didn't like that smile, that smile usually meant something was gonna explode of catch fire.

"How exactly will you be paying the mighty Zim for my… _services_?"

Dib gulped nervously.

"Uh… I didn't- I thought it might be, you know… free?"

Robotic legs descended swiftly from Zim's pak; trapping him between Zim and the cake.

Dib could feel the panic rising inside him.

"I-I don't have my wallet on me right now, but I can run home and get it, I-"

Zim moved closer to Dib; removing his wig with a gloved hand.

"An equal service must be made Dib, sufficient payment."

He dropped the cheap wig to the floor and grabbed the thoroughly flustered teen by the collar.

Dib was suddenly hyper-alert, it was like that time he had camped out in the forest on a stake out for the elusive mothman and his torch had gone out, all his senses wer heightened and he became very aware of his own breathing and how cold the metallic limbs were on his skin and how Zim's leg was dangerously close to his-

A ringing noise interrupted Dib's muddled thoughts and Zim started, spider legs retracting by reflex, throwing him off balance and causing him to fall forward; toppling dib backwards into the cake.

The doorbell continued it's piercing chimes, Gir was no help sitting on the couch and bopping his head along to some annoying jingle.

Zim hurriedly snatched the wig from it's place on the floor a shoved it lopsidedly back onto his head before proceeding to march up to the door and almost pulling it off it's hinges.

"What, WHAT, **WHAT**?!"

"Hiya buddy!" Keef grinned his silly grin and looked Zim up and down "Oh is it a costume party? I LOVE dressing up!" Keef glanced over Zim's shoulder. "Oooh, did Dimb come dresses as the cake or something?" He waved amiably to the dazed Dib; waving on auto-pilot from his place halfway in the cake. "I love your costume!"

Dib forced a nervous smile onto his face "Ah- hehheh, thanks?"

After following this little exchange between the two with much confusion Zim regained the ability to speak.

"Keef? What are you doing here, I thought my eyes made you think I was a squirrel?"

"Oh yeah, well that wore off."

There was an awkward pause.

"Can I come in?" Keef smiled hopefully.

"Well you see Keef, we are a little busy right now and this is a private affair so-"  
"I got Dib a present."

Dib perked up suddenly "For me?"

Keef nodded madly. "uh-huh!" He held it out "It's a gift voucher!"

Dib's face dropped in thinly veiled disappointment.

Zim snatched the envelope from Keef. "Well now you have delivered your present you can leave now, good work soldier! Be gone with you!"  
Keef then got a door slammed in his face for the second time that day.

Zim turned back to Dib, "And now for the payment!"  
But before he could pounce Dib held out his had "STOP!"

Zim froze looming over Dib, robot legs poised.

Dib pointed at the envelope "That's my gift voucher and it's worth money!"

Zim looked at the envelope in question "And your point is?"

Dib shifted uneasily, heart hammering hard with the familiar exhilaration that came with facing Zim.

"Well I want you to take it as payment!"

Zim's eyes widened in disbelief.

"You are paying me with your pitiful birthday offering?"

Dib nodded, bits of cake and icing dripping from his scythe.

The device realising that the training period was almost up urged Zim to complete the process of payment.

Zim leaned forward, claws digging into Dib's arms.

"There is still some services left to be paid." He bared his teeth in a grin "I think I'll accept-" Zim's tongue snaked out slowly to lick some icing from the cove of Dib's ear, making him shiver. "You wearing this stupid dress!"

Dib's eyes widened and his hand made a fist in the cake "NEVER!" He smushed a chunk of cake in Zim's face and clambered away while Zim yelled and smeared the cake in an attempt to remove it from his face.

Dib was up and almost to the door when he felt a a sudden pressure on his back and collapsed onto the floor in a tangle of limbs as they both wrestled for dominance, one moment Zim was straddling him laughing the next Had the Alien on his stomach and was trying to restrain him with a ribbon from the dress.

Moments later Dib was being pushed into the corner with Zim sitting on one of his legs, pinning his arms above his head with the spider legs and gripping Dib's collar.

It was at this moment that Dib realised the situation he was in; the cake and icing had caused both of them to become all sticky and slippery, Dib's clothes had ripped slightly and he was lying in a very uncomfortable position underneath Zim who was panting just as much.

It was with no little degree of awkwardness that Dib realised that not only was he panting just as hard as Zim right now but Zim looked like, like, well to be honest there is only so many things you can look like you've been doing when you are in a dishevelled maids outfit.

The dress itself had come slightly undone and hung loosely off Zim's arms whereas the skirt of the dress had rode up so that Dib could feel the cool material against his stomach.

Dib suddenly felt uncomfortably hot.

Even more so when he realised that Zim was in such a state that he probably could do almost anything.

Dib struggled madly to try and get out and it ended in =both of them clawing and even biting at each other.

Then the biting turned to nipping and licking.

And there were hands and claws and legs and- and Dib realised that there was a very skilled alien tongue in his mouth and he hadn't noticed.

* * *

This was not what Dib had expected to happen on his birthday.

He now lay on the couch, covered in a sticky sweaty mess with his mortal enemy sprawled out on top of him and making tiny cooing purrey type noises each time his hand stroked the thin black antennae.

As he looked down at Zim he noticed something that made him feel a sense of dread.

"Z-" he cleared his throat which had gotten a little scratchy "Zim?"

"Mrrghle.." Zim opened one eye lazily "What?"

"Is-is the thing on your pak supposed to be flashing red over and over again."

Zim's suddenly shot up.

"Great irk! I forgot to take it off at the end of the training period!"

"But what does that-"

As if answering Dib's unfinished question the device promptly burst into flames.

Zim screamed.

Dib screamed.

Gir laughed.

And back at the Membrane household Gaz and Keef were versus each other in a race car game.

HAPPY END! :D

* * *

Whoo! Done deal!

Well that's all for now! Hope you enjoyed you ZADR freaks! XP

If you want it me to do an extended scene then I could be tempted but at the moment my ego is a little too drained so I'm gonna go eat some easter eggs and await all your lovely reviews!

Tatty-bye!


End file.
